Yep, that's my heart. It's on my sleeve.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Seriously, my face can't hide what my heart is feeling no matter how hard I try. But I have not always been this way.  Sadly, prior to the last four years of my life, I could have been the reigning champion in the annual "Hidden Feelings" competition. Even expressing my emotions was so foreign to me that just the thought of it made my heart beat hard inside of my chest and I felt like I would keel over from fear. I learned as a young girl that no matter how I was feeling, what was happening to me or what was going on around me,  that if I smiled no one would be the wiser.  They would think that everything was okay.  So that is exactly what I did!  I smiled.  The bigger the smile, the happier I appeared...right?!  Not saying that I never had a reason to smile, but instead of using what God gave me to express joy...I also used it to hide behind.  Accepting the lie, I hid behind my smile, jokes and even whit to protect my extremely sensitive heart.


Without even realizing it, I re-entered my relationship with Jesus the same way.  Instead of telling Him how I really felt, I would act as if I was okay even when I wasn't.  When I would kneel down to pray to my God, a wall would automatically go up because I was afraid.  Afraid to be real, to admit my fears, my hurts, my short comings, my dreams & my desires to the one Who created my heart. The crazy thing is that I didn't even realize that was what I was doing.  I was so used to being a certain way, that I thought it was the only way to be.  Then little by little Jesus so lovingly opened my eyes to the prison of protection that I had built around my heart and how if was keeping me from being free to be real with Him.


God has taught me that He desires to know my inward parts, I mean it is not like He doesn't know them already,  He just wants me to trust Him enough to let Him knock down those walls that I had once created for myself.  His word is true, where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom! (2 Corinthians 3:17)  Being vulnerable and open is scary, but knowing Who goes before me and fights on my behalf makes it so worth it!  To be very honest, there are times where I desire to go back to what was comfortable, my old ways of self-protection and try to hide my heart, but He won't let me. Literally, He won't allow it and I cannot thank Him enough!  It is as if He has erased that part of me, the person that I once was and placed wisdom and peace where fear once resided.  He is continually making me new!  You know what else is awesome?  That He won't stop His work in us until it is complete! 


"And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you." -Philippians 1:6 (AMP)